The Ups & Downs...

Fresh Start

2011-04-27T07:59:00.001+01:00

I'm moving across to a new blog. A fresh start is needed...

Jenny x

100% - Day One

2011-03-20T09:00:00.004Z

I've had a bad couple of days, haven't really stuck to the plan. So I am going to try for a 100% week this week.

The idea is to have as much of each meal as a Superfree food and keep syns to a strict minimum!

Breakfast:

2 rashers of bacon, garlic mushrooms, an egg and a wholemeal roll (HxB)
1 tbsp ketchup (1 syn)
Strawberries and Yogurt

Lunch:

Tea:

Office Temptation

2011-03-09T21:45:00.000Z

Ok, so today was a Wednesday. It was no-one's birthday. Not the end of the week. Nor the end of the month. Nothing special... The office emptied at about 4:45, 5pm like usual. Nothing strange there... I decided to do an inventory...

We have:

2 types of cookies
flapjacks
brownie bites
muffins
homemade rice crispy cake things
buns
butterfly cakes
macaroons
fondant fancies
packets of sweets (Percy Pigs, Haribo...)
toffee eclairs
half a box of Celebrations
mini donuts
croissant tart type things
Mr Kipling style fruit pies
a selection box of chocolate biscuits...

This is as standard, there is a constant supply of cakes, biscuits, and treats. (I've only worked there 5 weeks though... and for the record have not had a single morsel. Go me!)

So how is the entire workforce, bar me, a perfect size 10???

Week One - SW

2011-03-09T21:00:00.000Z

A reflection on the first week on Slimming World.
Down 1/2 lb.

Still down, so better than up. But could have done with a little more off.
BUT in all honesty, I was over my syns. And I got a bit confused with the Red/Green/EE thing. And I am a bit bunged up shall we say.

Need to up the fibre, and try for few Red or Green days. EE is a bit confusing for my lickle head....

Better week to be had next week x

Spring - A Time for Change

2011-03-04T13:00:00.000Z

Wednesday I decided it was time to get back in control, get back on track. Enough of the moping, and time to get my head out of the sand. I went to Slimming World: Decided that there was no way of fitting my new low-carb, low-dairy lifestyle into Weightwatchers, not on 42 points a day and the constant planning and counting is messing up both my head and my life. So back to a life of free food, and limited carbs - Should see a boost to my weightloss, and a return of the happy Jenny that I want to be. I already felt a million times better driving back from the group session so that is a positive sign, and to add to this, Biker said that he has already noticed a change in me and my attitude. He said that I am saying things that only the Normal Jenny would, which shocked me. I didn't realise I'd changed that much to be a not-normal Jenny. But that is going to change back again.

I'm really looking forward to getting back into cooking, having proper food again, stopping the binging. REALLY looking forward to it. The downside is the calibrated scales. The SW scales weigh me several pounds more than my scales at home. 20st 1lb to be precise. But I will not let that discourage me; I will reset my ticker and my stats and treat this as my starting weight. It's only going to go down, I know this.

I haven't yet told Biker that I have changed from WW to SW. I think he may have his suspicions, he knew I was going to go to a new group session (from Thursday to Wednesday) and it will only be a matter of time before he clicks. But I'm sure he won't mind if it is better for me in the long run. I know he doesn't approve of the "all you can eat" policy but I need to do this for me, not him. He's pretty good with cooking, making nearly everything from scratch, so it should all be pretty much free food.

I am allowing myself one day a week, not "off plan" but relaxed. Not going to go silly with it, but that would be for social things. Like if I go out with my friend and her kids, I can’t tell her what they have to eat, and she’s a mum on a budget, so if we end up in Pizza Hut, so be it. If I go out for tea with Biker and his family, I don’t want to be eating salad when everyone else has curry and naans, I don’t want to ask for grilled chicken, hold the carbs. Since I would have been having a relaxed day 3 or 4 or more times a week before, this should be ok. I am comfortable with this idea.

I have compiled a list of stuff that I actually like, that I will want to eat on a regular basis. Both meals and snacks. And I have assigned the syns value to each item. It is not a case of never being allowed a treat ever again, never having convenience food again. This is liveable, I have proved that before and I can do it.

To be honest, it really does feel good to be back in control, to be positive again and not to be “scared” of food. It has been a dark couple of months but now we are seeing some sunshine again.

Upcoming Hurdles in March

04/03 - Pizza night at Tracey’s

08/03 - Pancake Day

10/03 - Out for Tea – Posh Restaurant

11/03 - Away for the day

25/03 – Out for tea, not sure where yet

I can still have my WW Quorn Curry with naans, just need to pick the right naans and syn accordingly :) My plan is the Extra Easy route, which has one A (dairy) choice and one B (fibre) choice per day. The rest of my food, I will be trying to have “red” food and my 1/3rd SuperFree food. It should be a doddle. I understand that the whole red/green/superfree concept may be confusing to some, but it works in my head.

I’m still sticking to my bans, my challenges. This month is no biscuits or cake. I may put this back to No Biscuits, as there are some good looking SW cake recipes that I wanted to try: The old All Bran Chocolate cake, and the Weetabix cake. There’s a proper chocolate sponge also, but we’ll see how we go.

Other recipes I have on my “to try” list are

Prawn Toast

Onion Bhaji

Cola Chicken

Panna Cotta

Thai Duck Curry

And Beef Ramen.

Looking forward to this, very much so :)

Breadban

2011-03-01T22:00:00.000Z

Impressed. Breadban done.
No bread, no rolls, no pancakes, no muffins, no chapatis, no garlic bread, no pizza, no ciabatta, no pittas, no naans, no brioche, no crumpets, no croissants (not sure if they counted but I didn't have any anyway!) and no buns.

I.... am proud of myself.

After a long and hard think... a week I think, having weighed up pros and cons and thought about the whole picture... I feel like a complete headcase. I don't know what to do for the best. I honestly don't believe that cutting out any food group is going to do me good in the long run. Especially carbohydrates and sugar. This, I feel, will have a negative impact on my health by the way of diabetes. If I cut carbs as a "short term weightloss plan" as suggested by the doctor, I fear that when I start to re-introduce carbs, my digestive system is going to say "WOOOAAAAAHHH what's all this sugar?! What do I do?!?!" and before I know it, BAM full blown diabetes.This is not what I want at all.

I read Pig to Twig. Well, "the Idiot Proof Diet". Most of the pre-amble anyway, I stopped when I got to "organic" this and "organic" that. You may know my thoughts on organic produce, I won't digress into that just now. The mental side of things made a heck of a lot of sense. The comfort eating and the why you shouldn't, and all of that. Made me think about things. Mind you, at this point I had already eaten about 3 tatties more than a pig and it was pretty pointless in the end.

This is my problem. Comfort eating. Having "one more day". I know full well that when I feel sad, or want to say to myself "well done", I buy cakes and biscuits and I sit and eat them. I am showing signs of OCD and verging on an eating disorder. I definitely fall foul of disordered eating, whether it's officially a Disorder that would be diagnosed or not. I have been keeping a diary of thoughts and eating. My meals, my breakfast, lunch and dinner - spot on. I probably eat out too often, but that's my choice of social life.

However, I did sit down with a cuppa tea and 8 Jammie Dodgers. Yes, 8. And I saw sense and binned the biscuits in the end.

So I think that this month, I will cut the junk - Aim for no biscuits, no cakes, no crisps, no chocolate bars... I have an order of WW Chocolate Cookie Bars and WW Toffee Bars on the way, these will be ok, one a day, no more. NO MORE. Other than that, no "treats". They aren't treats. I have to stop thinking of food as a reward, as a prize.
If I cut all this crap, and eat healthily, there is no way, not a cat in hells chance, that I can eat 42 points a day. I'd easily get 30, maybe 33, but I would struggle to get more than that...

If it's on the internet....

2011-02-27T22:45:00.000Z

... He put me as his girlfriend on Facebook.... hah! It's only taken 2 years, 7 months.... Not that I was counting....
And he fulfils my diva-style demands...

New Low...

2011-02-27T21:38:00.001Z

Comfort eating - making a huge bowl of ready brek with apple jelly.
It was nice.
The Best Before date on the ready brek was jan 2010.

Nice.

Saturday Night Ponderings

2011-02-26T21:00:00.000Z

As I approach the last couple of days of my bread-free month, I realise that I have not actually found it that difficult. Same with when I did the chocolate ban in 2010 - it wasn't that tough. I think that in February, I have maybe had two instances where I "quite fancied" a bacon roll, or the other one was cheese on toast. Other than that, it has been fairly easy, I am quite happy with myself!

However, I fear that when I am "allowed" the bread again, I will overdo it. I don't want to do that! If in January can quite happily survive with no crisps, why do I feel the need in February to buy multipacks, and "share-sized" bags of Sensations, which, since I have no-one to share with, I eat all myself. I don't seem to be able to cut back, only ban stuff. If I could get the hang of little bits here and there, I don't think I would have an issue. However I do have an issue and that is finding that "stop" signal, and listening to it. Actively stopping myself eating. Maybe the root of it all, is stopping myself shopping. If I don't buy the things, I can't eat them.? Something to think about I guess.

Going forward I think I wll do a day-by-day breakdown of what I have eaten, whether I have enjoyed it, and whether it has filled me up. Why I ate it. Psychologically, something isn't right. I know I am not eating healthily and doing myself no favours. I know I need to get a grip again before I do myself some serious damage.

Biker's mate has announced that his partner is expecting a baby. Whilst I don't actually want one now, as the time is not right and I am in no fit shape to have a child, I cannot stop thinking that the longer I am in this state, the harder I am making things for myself and any possible family in the future... This saddens me...

It is really difficult to say no to junk at the moment. I feel terrible. I'm not usually a vain person, but this allergy is making me verge on depression. It took me 2 hours to pluck up the guts to go to work on friday, I just feel so uncomfortable. This isn't pleasant but I have cuts and bruises everywhere from scratching. The worst bits are my sides at my waist, my groin is black with bruises, my armpits, the top half of my arms, and my right thigh. My tummy is pretty bad, and my chest, my boobs are so so sore and itchy at the same time. Peeling skin and red blotches. Hey, it could be worse - this is just words, I could have photos up :P

Time to get a grip please Jenny. It's your life, sort it out chick...

ATKINS?!

2011-02-23T20:00:00.000Z

So the diet that the doctor suggested for me was a high protein, low carbohydrate diet - Basically an adaptation on the Atkins.

This would mean unlimited lean meat, fish, quorn, cheese and eggs, but to have the full fat cheese rather than low fat cheese. Unlimited leafy veg, including broccoli, spinach, and lettuce, but no carrots, parsnips, no root veg. One piece of fruit per day (I presume this is one portion of fruit rather than one strawberry!)

It would mean no pasta, rice, noodles, potatoes, bread, starchy veg, root veg, cakes, biscuits, crisps, fruit other than the one piece a day...

Other than omelettes, I cannot actually think of a single meal that I would enjoy without carbs. And I don't really like omelettes.

I don't think, for me, this is liveable. I don't think it is practical. Given the family history with diabetes, would it be wise to completely cut carbs, or would re-introduction then be a complete pain, given that I'd be used to not-processing carbs?

I think that it would be a good idea for me to reduce the number of carbs I take. But I don't want to cut them altogether.

This weekend, I am on a mission to find a smaller plate to keep at Biker Boy's house. I cannot keep eating the huge portions that I have at his, it is not good.

I will fill my plate half full with veggies before adding in the meat/base.

I have recently placed an order for WW Bars - there will be 18 Cookie Bars, and 18 Rich Toffee bars. THESE are my treats. No more purchased chocolate bars, no biscuits, and definitely no crisps. I eat them, but I don't enjoy them as much to warrant eating them.

A new way of life....

Carbohydrates

2011-02-22T22:00:00.000Z

The doctor has suggested that I cut out carbohydrates.
I am not sure, I need to give this some serious thought.

Tired, fed up thinking about food and diets. Just want a cuddle and my bed.... x

Honesty

2011-02-22T15:15:00.001Z

On Friday, there was a works lunch out. I didn't really feel like it, but I went along. It was for someone's leaving do. As the new girl, I felt I should make an effort! So I picked the only thing on the menu that wasn't bread based, or in a creamy white wine sauce - Haddock and chips. The fish was beautiful, I ate the salad and left some of the chips. Scoffed the tartare sauce! It was nice, but estimating in the region of 26 points, it was not worth that. I kinda feel like every time I am ready to jump back on track, something comes up which gives me the excuse to fall at a hurdle and "break the rules". I am aware that this is just screwing it up for myself but I am struggling to get out of this loop.

My close companions in life do not help much. Mother does the whole "Ooh this is naughty, we shouldn't be doing this" whenever we have a treat. Even if it is a 5pp Weightwatchers treat. Or a fruit based (thus free and on plan) thing. My Dad too, he makes me feel bad with the guilt thing. But my relationship with my dad is rocky at the best of times recently, and I can't deal with his "I'm healthier than thou" bullshit. I might talk about him later, separately. If we go out for lunch, me and mum that is, Dad never comes out, she'll pick the venue usually. Which will be an italian style place. Then when they serve the food, she'll pick up a knife and fork and make that comment again, it's like she punishes herself for eating it before that first mouthful. I don't think she realises how much this affects me! It ruins the meal, it makes me feel like a complete failure, and guilty for eating food that (even though I always point it and encorporate it in my plan) I now feel like I shouldn't be eating. The guilt then leads to the worst of all things - Eating in private. If I go out for tea, lunch, dinner, whatever... I get that paranoia thing. I feel like people look at the fat girl and think "she's gonna have a greasy pizza or burger and then chocolate cake and icecream. With diet coke". So I end up doing my hardest to have the "healthy" option. The lean meat dish, or salad, prawn curry with steamed rice, the boiled potatoes, the run of the mill, day to day food that isn't really a treat and actually tastes a million times better when you make it your way at home.

Then, afterwards, I think to myself that I have been cheated. Everyone else had burgers and chips, and puddings. And they lead normal lives. It's not fair. So then I stop at the shop, and demonstrate zero willpower and a complete lack of self control. But because of the aforementioned guilt, I can't go to the bakers and get a cake and enjoy it at home with a cuppa tea. I resort to a box of 4 muffins from the supermarket, which I end up trying to hide in a basket full of other stuff that I don't actually need, all because I don't want people seeing the fat girl buying just cake. Then, I go home, have a muffin in my room, and feel like a troll. Decide tomorrow is going to be a new day. What should I do with the remaining 3 muffins? well if I keep them for tomorrow, then that's ruined my diet before I start. So I'll eat them now....

I'm eating things that I don't like, too. Just because they are on special offer, and therefore cheap. I had two weeks off plan completely, at the beginning of February, and in this two weeks, I managed to fill a black sack with sweetie wrappers, and cake papers, and crisp packets. I don't even LIKE things like that, I am not bothered much about biscuits, so why was I eating all this? It makes no sense.

I have a doctors appointment in 10 minutes. Time to be honest I think. To be brutally truthful, I am shitting bricks, I am that scared.

I am aware that a quick fix here is not the solution. I need a long term, mental rebalancing to get myself back on track. To be normal again. To not be terrified of failing and terrified of food.

Points - Weeks 5 & 6

2011-02-17T08:00:00.000Z

19st 8lbs

Enough said...

I have spent the past 2 weeks wallowing in self pity and eating nothing but rubbish. Needless to say, I have had a gain - 8.5 lbs on.

I am getting back on track now. I want to get better and get my head around this. I need to stop eating rubbish and start eating healthy again.

Life style change. Yes.

Friday thoughts

2011-02-11T21:33:00.001Z

No particular plans for the weekend, I'm starting on a rant because I need to vent some steam...
I have spent the last 6 days eating rubbishly. Done nothing but eat eat eat and I can honestly say, I am disgusted with myself. I managed SO well for 5 weeks, then just bang, lets eat junk. I have no idea what happened, something just clicked and I stopped caring. Each day I have had good intentions and by lunchtime I just want to eat non-stop. So I thought I would have one day off, which turned into two days. Then it was my leaving do which was another excuse. Then another day, bang. Weigh in a week later shows a gain of 3lbs. I'm in a stupid cycle of trying to have smaller portions of things, so I buy packs of "treat size" treats instead of normal things. Then I have one. Don't feel satisfied. Have a second. Feel bad for eating more than I planned. So I decide tomorrow I'll start afresh, not eat "junk" so I need to get rid of what I have left, and the easiest way to do that in my head is to eat it, so I've been eating about 20pp a day more than I should be on junky "treat" food to a point where I don't even like it. Then the next day, I think I'm being stupid, I should be able to eat in moderation and should stop being such a damn failure, and buy the bloody same stuff again. I have, however, pointed everything. I just didn't stop when I got passed my allowance.

I just had to stop World War X breaking out between my parents, for the 5th night in a row, and I'm pig sick of the arguments so I am packing a bag for a few days and heading to my boys house.
You have no idea how much I wish I had my own space. Here, I literally live in my room, which is 10ft by 7ft, so not exactly the biggest space, and share the kitchen, and at Biker's, well it's just a one bedroomed place, there isn't space for me even if he wanted me there properly. In the heat of an argument my parents were having earlier in the week, Dad said "and how long is she planning on staying here anyway"... I'm pretty sure that was about me, I don't GET in anyones way, I stay well out of their way more often than not... The cheapest lease I can get on a flat would leave me with £350 a month and that is before bills and car expenses, I just can not afford it, it isn't possible. Not to mention that contractors have no job security, so what landlord would lease a flat to an admin contractor anyway. And I am sorry, for gods sake there is nothing more I want than to be able to grow up and move out but until someone gives me a salaried job earning a heck of a lot more than I am on now, then house and babies are just never gonna happen.

And then I get my brother on damn facebook cos he won't even waste 10p to text me, saying that I have to "spend more time" with my parents, and take them out more... They bloody hate each other, barely speak except for arguing, and after 2 years, 3 years of "Do you want to go out for tea at the weekend?" or "There's X Y and Z on in Aberdeen, do you want to go?" and getting a blunt "No" off each of them.. I f***ing give up trying to do stuff. Actually while I'm on about people doing stuff, I can't believe that I started a new damn job, after everyone, everyone knowing how much I wanted out of my old one, and not one person of my proper friends, family, or boyfriend have even mentioned us going out to celebrate! I said last weekend to Mum Dad and Biker that I wanted to go out to celebrate, and could everyone keep the 25th free please. And didn't even get a "that's nice of you" or anything when I said the reason was that I wanted to take my close people out with my first new wage... Not that I was doing it for the gratitude, but for f***s sake... I don't actually swear/curse that much, but it's all I want to do at the moment..

Work is ok, it's getting busier the more I learn more things, and my manager's nice, the whole team is nice. They all like their "healthy eating", their spray tans, massages, etc etc etc, and seem to be gym bunnies, so I need to turn a bit girly and get a bit better at this healthy lifestyle thing. I ate 4 curly wurlies today, that's not good. When I moved to Scotland, before I started my whole "re-invention of Jenny" thing, I was referred for counselling for self confidence and stuff. I phoned the doctor this morning, well the nurse, and asked if I can be referred again and she's put me straight on the waiting list, so hopefully that should help me along the way. I am not a happy bunny, it's been coming and going for a few months but I think since November, I have been pretty down and I need a kick. I'm fed up of crying, I'm fed up of not sleeping, I'm fed up of putting "that face" on. It's getting to a point where I am speaking to Biker on the phone nearly every night and whinging, and that is not fair on him, it's not fair on me, and I need to get it sorted.

High Praise Indeed

2011-02-06T21:45:00.001Z

A Moment of Openness...

2011-02-06T21:00:00.001Z

Something good happened last night. It was a bad thing, but I'm glad it happened, if that makes sense.
He saw that some things that he says, upset me.
He said something to me, and I just burst into tears. Went into the bathroom for a few minutes and then I decided that I was going to go home. So I came out the bathroom, went and got my stuff and said I had to go, and he tried to give us a hug and, still crying, I just said I had to go.

That's the first time that he has seen me cry as a result of something he has said or done.

Still, driving home I was feeling bad that he was poorly and now I'd probably made him feel worse, but I talked myself out of apologising. Why should I apologise for him upsetting me?

So plans changed, we spent the night apart, and I have had more apologies and I genuinely believe he is sorry for upsetting me, but I think I need to have a bit of my independance for a while. Which is a shame because I start my new job on Monday and I don't know how long it will take to get there from home, only from his house. An hour? Hmm.

Ah well, we shall see....

Points - Week 4

2011-02-03T08:45:00.002Z

18st 13.5lbs
Loss of 2.5lbs

Total Loss - 14lbs

Not too bad, considering comfort eating and stuff....
This is my second "Silver 7", my first stone off, and my 5% award

Shame I don't go to a proper class to get these, innit!

A 61 Year Old

2011-01-30T21:29:00.002Z

I was over at the Fellas house this afternoon, and he said he was at his folks last night and his dad thought the scales were broken, and his mum wouldn't even consider going near them - Would Biker see if they were working, cos his dad was sure the reading was wrong.

Biker weighed.

Reading was near enough what it read last time he was at my house, so they seem ok.

Which means his dad is little over 9 1/2 stone. He's not weak, or frail, or anything like that, he's just a normal bloke with a slight build. Biker said he was about 3 1/2 stone more than his dad, which puts him just over 13 stone and he just shrugged when I said is that ok, or did he want a different number, so I think he's wanting to tone up a bit or something, I don't want to pry, he knows he can talk to me if he wants. He knows diets and stuff occupy about 75% of my thoughts....

I know already his mum has a go at him regularly for putting on weight since he moved out of her house and her cooking, but this is because he can cook what he wants now, he can eat what he likes. I have my suspicions that I am "to blame" for it, and maybe to some extent I am. At weekends we always have a dessert at some point. We do a lot more baking together than we would apart. We try new food, new recipes, that you might not risk if someone else wasn't there willing to risk life and limb to try it. And yes, we eat out on average probably once a fortnight. But at the same time, he boredom snacks when I'm not there, he's confessed that to me. But anyway, he fell for me knowing that I was fat and if his mum can't cope with that, that's her problem. I am who I am, he wuvs me, and that's that.

But enough about his weight and what he may or may not want to do with it...

I confessed to him that between the largest that I know of, and my target weight, was actually a good stone more than his dad weighs.
And then I went quiet for a second or two and thought about that.

And thought about it.

And can't stop thinking about it.

I have the equivalent of a 61 year old man to lose, just to be healthy. Actually, that doesn't even put me at a healthy weight, that would leave me still "Overweight"

I don't know how I feel about that...

Quite upset with myself, really...

It's Official

2011-01-28T22:39:00.002Z

That's it - I have handed my notice in, and am preparing to leave my current role. Considering all the hard work that I have put in over the past two years, I am quite glad that certain departments are a bit upset that I am leaving. I hope that my replacement does not let my work go to waste...

I have spent some time creating some handover notes, and writing "walkthroughs" for common problems and stuff. That's all I can do, if the Time Centre falls by the wayside after I leave, there's not a great deal I can do about that.

Effects on the diet - Well I can see pros and cons at the moment. The cons are that people want to take me out for Farewell lunches which means a lot of eating out. Today, Tracey and I went to Jimmy Chungs, and since she has just joined Scottish Slimmers herself, we were more cautious than usual. I impressed myself by filling my plate half full with garlic mushrooms and stir-fry veggies before adding any meat or noodles. But I think I overdid the noodles, and did feel overstuffed to be honest. Lesson learnt!

I think, going forward, I have to be one of those protein people... I have evolved from a pasta monster to a protein fiend. We shall see...

The pros of a new job - there are a few. I want to restore my pride in my professional appearance - Which means being able to get work clothes that aren't a size 24. I want to look smart at work - At the moment I stumble into work in baggy jeans, a fleece and scuffed trainers. Can't do that in a new job. Gotta look the part. PLUS I said at interview that I went walking loads at weekends. Oops. Guess I actually have to do that now...! AND I will be learning new stuff, so I won't be just boredom scoffing at my desk day in day out. That has to be a good sign.

In other news, I honestly think that Biker has gone off me... I don't blame him, I look like a hippo...

Points - Week 3

2011-01-27T08:45:00.000Z

19 st 2 lbs
Loss of 2lbs

Total Loss - 11.5lbs

Quite happy :) I had a midweek Weigh In which showed a loss of 4lbs, but then I got cocky and ate too much.... so a total loss of 2lbs for the week.
My points allowance is now 41 per day.
I am quite enjoying the plan, and looking forward to a good loss this coming week. This week (week 3) was Crazy Lady week, I'd be interested to know if that has any bearing on my loss, and if Mother Nature week (week 4) has any impact. We shall see.

The plan for the next week is porridge for breakfast, a substantial lunch, and then light something for tea - chicken and veggies, or a stir fry.

Minor Update

2011-01-23T22:00:00.000Z

My emotions are through the roof.
I had a job interview, decided I wasn't overly sold on the role and would turn it down if I was offered it. After making that decision I decided to invest my time in learning about some things and enrolled on a course about Diet and Nutrition. Then the next day, got told that I have been successful with my interview, and did I want the job.

I said yes.

At the end of the day, I weighed up the pros and cons. If the SSC where I work at present is going to be outsourced, then within the next 3 months I could be out of work. Yes, I am shit-hot at my job but if the job isn't there anymore, then who cares? It doesn't matter... So I have taken a 3 month contract somewhere else for now. It is a very similar role, but with a bit of training in invoicing. I am working on the theory that a change is as good as a rest. I have handed my notice in and I start my new job on the 7th February.

But this weekend, I have had a bit of a wobble, feeling like I have made the wrong decision. I know I can do the job. I know I can walk it. But what if it bores me? What if the people aren't as easy-going? I have it incredibly easy at the moment, what if it's really up-tight at the new place? What if I have now taken on too much with a course and a new job? *sigh*
It's only guaranteed for 3 months. What if.. Stop it. Stop thinking what-ifs...

Add to this, Biker's revelation that he could be taking a job in a different country and you start to get an idea of how I feel.

There were some photos from uni that someone has uploaded on Facebook. I remember at the time, feeling super fat, ugly, repulsive and uncomfortable. I was about 16 stone then. Now, at nearly 20 stone... I feel like a hippo.

Pretty low...

Points - Week 2

2011-01-20T08:45:00.000Z

19 st 4 lbs
Loss of 2lbs

Total Loss - 9.5lbs

Not too bad, considering I had a bit of a binge at the weekend. The problem was that I was off work, and had no routine, so I had access to the kitchen all the time... oops!

Healthy Breakfast?? Me?????

2011-01-14T08:00:00.003Z

A taste of things to come..

Sweet Cinnamon Oats So Simple
5propoints for the bowl

And.... miracle of miracles - It filled me up til Lunchtime!

Chocolate Fondant

2011-01-13T21:00:00.010Z

Chocolate Fondant

Having drooled over these everytime I saw them in the shops, in recipe books, magazines, on television... I finally made them! I had expected it to go horribly wrong - they always do in Come Dine With Me... But it was perfectly crispy and cakey on the outside, and gooey and yummy on the inside. Perfect :)

Ingredients for 2 / 3 desserts:

50g plain chocolate
1tsp cocoa powder
50g melted marg/butter
35g caster sugar
25g plain flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 egg

Method:

Butter 2 large ramekins (or 3 small ones)
Melt chocolate & butter and mix together well
Beat egg with sugar til light, creamy and fluffy
Mix the two mixtures together
Fold in the remaining ingredients
Spoon into the ramekins and put in the fridge for 45 minutes.
Switch on oven to heat up - 210 degrees C - Wait 15 minutes
(total chill time should be 1 hr or longer)
Put ramekins straight into oven and bake for 6-8 minutes
Remove and serve immediately with cream, or icecream on the side

Total recipe - 23pp
(8pp if making 3, 12pp if making 2)
Recipe adapted from the Good Food website

Points - Week 1

2011-01-13T08:45:00.007Z

So... Drum roll please....

19 st 6 lbs
Loss of 7.5lbs

So this makes my new Daily Allowance 42 ProPoints, and I intend to get some exercise started this week.

Feeling pretty good :)

Slightly negative update

2011-01-12T21:10:00.005Z

I think I have a problem. I keep going to the supermarket and buying food. Which would be fine on a weekly/twice-weekly basis... It's every day... I need to stop this, it's getting out of hand..

I'm finding things a little tough today. I feel rubbish, health-wise. Full of cold and shaky. Last night, I was home from work early, on account of the world spinning and I felt sick. Today, I feel a bit better, but I am still taking the rest of the week off work. Not sick, I had booked Thursday and Friday as holiday anyway... I am a bit concerned that I might be pregnant. I am on the pill, so I shouldn't be. I have followed the rules for taking it, but I have not had a period last month. I have felt "queasy", and not-myself for a couple of weeks now, since my missed period... But it could be my size and anxiety that has caused this. I have also noticed that all I want is meat. Meat meat meat. Very strange. If I miss my next period, I'll do a test. So this is playing on my mind a bit.

Things are not at all helped by the boyfriend being in some kind of strange mood. I don't know what I am meant to have done, I think it could be The Fear. The Fear, is something we are all vaguely aware of. Often linked with men, this fear of commitment, planning, "the future"... Unfortunately, I happen to be a victim of The Fear more often than not. His younger sister has just booked a venue for her wedding in October. This means that there is a heck of a lot of wedding-talk within his family. Add to this being treated like an old married couple when shopping for "our new mattress" when really, it is his new mattress. And then top it off with my quip at the weekend of saving a visit to Disneyworld til "we have kiddies".... I think we are well and truly in the presence of The Fear.

I have tried mentioning holidays, making him food, baking, sex, talking flirty to make him smile, taking an interest in his work, his games that he's playing on the PS3 at the moment... Nothing seems to be working. Maybe I'm wasting my time with this... I dunno.

Oh well, on with my life..!

I've done pretty well this week. I have had good meals, I have had a couple of bad things, and I am looking forward to WI tomorrow morning. Yes, that does say "looking forward to weigh in"... Never thought I would say that.
Going to make some plans for food, and then see what happens. I am really looking forward to getting stuck in to this ProPointing game!!

The First Week of 2011

2011-01-11T21:00:00.002Z

Well, the first week has been ok. Moodwise, I had a fantastic first week, I felt so happy and generally focussed. I decided to start a 365 Project, which I have to take one picture every day for 365 days. I like that idea. So far, so good too. Haven't missed a day, and intend to keep it up!

My 27th Birthday:
It was my birthday last wednesday and we went to La Bamba in town, followed by the pub for a few drinks. For dinner, I had the steak fajitas. I can't seem to get enough of steak at the moment. They were really good, much enjoyed them. Decided against a dessert - I could have had one, but I think I would have regretted it.

In the pub, the girl behind the bar was definitely younger than me. She was shorter, and about the same size as me I think. She looked uncomfortable, and had to kind of side-step shuffle behind the bar. I'm not trying to bitch here, but it made me feel quite sad. I think she was a student, and I very much doubt that she could have been totally happy with herself, having been a student in that boat myself.

Thursday - My New Life Starts
I had weighed myself on Wednesday morning, to get my start weight for 2011. It wasn't great, considering I had been good over Christmas and stayed the same, it was just in 6 days that I had gained 13.5lbs. Thats horrendous. But, that's the way the scales sit, so that's where we start.

I have decided to stick with Weightwatchers ProPoints. The idea makes sense to me, it's workable, liveable, and I have an application on my phone which is really good, working like a food diary.
If I don't have a significant loss within a month, they will lose me to Slimming World - Whether my local support network agree or not. It's my life, if they care they will adapt to that.

So I pointed everything. I intend to save the points list each week when I'm on WW and post that, to keep a track of how/when I am eating my points.

At the weekend, I had a bit of a mishap. We went to McDonalds for breakfast, which was ok. I actually found it a bit disappointing to be honest, having made my own substitute breakfast McMuffins, this considerably more pointy, smaller, fatty muffin wasn't as nice as the idea of it.
Then for lunch, we decided on a proper meal. I should have said no, and insisted on something better diet-wise, but I didn't I just "whatever'd" my way into TGI Fridays. I guessed a burger would be what, 30 points? And I had the most of the Weekly fund left, so that would be fine. Something light for my tea.
So I had a Jack Daniels Monteray burger and it was delicious. Worth the splurge I was thinking, munching my way through the 30ish point burger. Til later when I got home and points actually worked out to 57. 68 with the onion rings. It was still nice, and I'm not beating myself up for it. I am restricted now to no treats for the week owing to having none of the weekly fund left, but that's ok. It's proving manageable! It doesn't really bear thinking about, but a big quarter pounder burger would be about 15 points. 6 for a large bap. 5 for the cheese, 3 for the bacon. The JD BBQ sauce in the jars in Tescos work out to 1pp per serving. So add 3 for a larger serving of that... I suppose once you add the fries it does add up. Makes you think back to the days where you'd do that, and a pizza hut buffet lunch once a week. Maybe get a takeaway at the weekend. Have a tub of icecream on standby in the fridge. Cheese on top of pasta dishes, without fail. A couple of slices of buttered white bread alongside each meal for "mopping up" sauces and gravies. And 3 portions of fruit a week was a healthy week..

However, I still had a light tea, and am staying well within my points for the rest of the week.
I will infact get some of that JD BBQ sauce and make my own variation of that burger, with a quorn one and low fat cheese. Homemade potato wedges too.

So in the main, not too bad a week. The week is mainly steak-orientated, and I feel a bit funny today. I might have to change to something different tonight. The plan was to have beef steak in a peppercorn sauce, with a jacket potato and vegetables, but I might opt for something vegetarian instead. Same, but a quorn steak... I shall see how I feel.

It's looking good :)

No Crisps

2011-01-02T08:45:00.000Z

I did it! No crisps for the entire of January 2011

Time to be proud !!!

(Backdated post)

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T21:49:00.003Z

Last night was ace :) Mojitos - lush lush lush!!! :)

I feel quite optimistic today - Start of a new year, happy to put the binging of 2010 behind me to start afresh and lose some weight.
I have some recipes which I have converted - Biker Boy got me a donut pan for Christmas, so that I can bake my own donuts. I had said to him that I was missing donuts and that I feared a complete fall off the wagon and that I would be found stuffing my face with donuts... So he got me this and a recipe which is low calorie - Working out the points, the plain donut batter is only 2pp a donut, so with a minor drizzle of chocolate, or some fruit, these cannot be too pointy :)
I think tomorrow, I will make some apple & cinnamon ones, and see how we get on!

We slept in til about 12 today, then had a bacon sandwich while watching Bee Movie, then Wall-E. I love Wall-E. It's a great film. Biker asked if I would be his EVE :) How sweet!

Then I headed home to see my parents for New Years Day - Gammon steak, homemade chips, broccoli and tomatoes - Delicious! And a leftover mince pie for pudding.

Total of 41 points today.

Not too bad! :)

Recap of 2010

2010-12-31T23:00:00.003Z

So my New Year's resolution for 2010 was to get back on it, and kick start my weightloss... I'm not sure why. I am not sure what happened, but I couldn't force myself into it. I guess my head wasn't in the right place. I had some personal issues to deal with and these led (too often) to comfort eating. I dithered a lot, and ended up confusing myself with diet plans, and have lost and gained the same half stone or so throughout the year. I am a few pounds heavier than when I started the year, but this has made me so determined... The problem is deciding which plan to go with!

2010 was not my year. But by the time I am 28 years old [5th January 2012] I will be happy with my weight. I will be where I want to be. I have spent too much time worrying about everyone else, that I have fallen by the wayside. No more. This is my year. I want to be in the region of 12 stone.

I find it easier to diet when I have a deadline, a target date to work towards. Biker's sister is getting married in October 2011 and I don't want to be a fat blob in the photos. I am of course presuming that I will be invited... :P

Having had a recent heart-to-heart with my long-suffering boyfriend, I am going to throw myself into the Weightwatchers Program. Propoints they call it, and I've been dabbling with it since they introduced it at the beginning of November. I really am lucky that he is so supportive, sometimes I don't realise it.

So friday, 31st December 2010 - This was my last bad day. I had a huge fry up for breakfast, went to Jimmy Chungs for lunch with Tracey (that's a chinese all you can eat buffet), and then Biker and I had our traditional KFC variety bucket and drinks for Hogmanay.
The food all tasted good, but I felt so poorly for eating so much. I must remember this feeling, and aim to never feel like that again.

Bring on 2011 :)

An Introduction: Let's start as near to the beginning as we can remember...

2010-05-23T21:44:00.008+01:00

The Past

I've never been slim. Never been skinny. Never been "pretty" or "popular"...

At my heaviest, I weighed 21st and 2lbs: Size 30. This was in October 2007. I lived off the comfort of takeaways and, as a badly educated vegetarian, did not have a healthy diet at all. I was engaged. I was unhappy but I didn't have the confidence, the push, to change anything. Scared, I guess. But then, something happened and I was on my own.

Aberdeenshire. 2008. New Life

A quick rundown of what has happened since I moved here. I joined Slimming World, and within 8 months, I was down to 17st 6lbs. Learning to cook properly, started eating meat again after 14 years. Confidence increasing, making friends, making a living as a contractor... I decided to have a try at this dating thing, and went on a handful of dates, never really clicking with anyone, but having fun socialising all the same.

Until I met a good friend. Biker Boy. He was the first guy who didn't just say "you're fine as you are," he understood that I wanted to lose weight for myself, and is willing to stand by me while I do it. No-one else has ever seen it like that. It's always been a case of people seeing me as a fat girl, therefore, I must want cake and chocolate and Macdonalds and etc etc etc. Presuming that I was saying I was fat to get told "no you aren't". Yes, I like my food, but there's more to me than that...
Anyway, you know where this is going. Biker Boy and I... :) We did a year or so of Dating, going out drinking, cooking nice meals for each other, meals out, etc etc etc and in October 2009 I stepped on the scales again. Oops. Shouldn't have stopped going to Slimming World... 19st 2lbs.

OVER 19 STONE AGAIN.

I tried a bit of calorie counting, but felt like it was making me neurotic, planning and counting, counting and planning, stressing and planning, and counting... I decided to join Weightwatchers, in November 2009, and managed to lose a bit, then gained a bit over Christmas... I started 2010 bang on 19stone.

I have really struggled since the new year. Things haven't been great in my personal life. Nothing particularly bad, but enough to turn to comfort food if I let myself - Pizza, Chips, Chocolate, Cake, anything...
But, for once, I am following in Bridget's footsteps. This is my life, and I am taking control. I am not letting this get the better of me. Not this time :)