Honesty

On Friday, there was a works lunch out. I didn't really feel like it, but I went along. It was for someone's leaving do. As the new girl, I felt I should make an effort! So I picked the only thing on the menu that wasn't bread based, or in a creamy white wine sauce - Haddock and chips. The fish was beautiful, I ate the salad and left some of the chips. Scoffed the tartare sauce! It was nice, but estimating in the region of 26 points, it was not worth that. I kinda feel like every time I am ready to jump back on track, something comes up which gives me the excuse to fall at a hurdle and "break the rules". I am aware that this is just screwing it up for myself but I am struggling to get out of this loop.

My close companions in life do not help much. Mother does the whole "Ooh this is naughty, we shouldn't be doing this" whenever we have a treat. Even if it is a 5pp Weightwatchers treat. Or a fruit based (thus free and on plan) thing. My Dad too, he makes me feel bad with the guilt thing. But my relationship with my dad is rocky at the best of times recently, and I can't deal with his "I'm healthier than thou" bullshit. I might talk about him later, separately. If we go out for lunch, me and mum that is, Dad never comes out, she'll pick the venue usually. Which will be an italian style place. Then when they serve the food, she'll pick up a knife and fork and make that comment again, it's like she punishes herself for eating it before that first mouthful. I don't think she realises how much this affects me! It ruins the meal, it makes me feel like a complete failure, and guilty for eating food that (even though I always point it and encorporate it in my plan) I now feel like I shouldn't be eating. The guilt then leads to the worst of all things - Eating in private. If I go out for tea, lunch, dinner, whatever... I get that paranoia thing. I feel like people look at the fat girl and think "she's gonna have a greasy pizza or burger and then chocolate cake and icecream. With diet coke". So I end up doing my hardest to have the "healthy" option. The lean meat dish, or salad, prawn curry with steamed rice, the boiled potatoes, the run of the mill, day to day food that isn't really a treat and actually tastes a million times better when you make it your way at home.

Then, afterwards, I think to myself that I have been cheated. Everyone else had burgers and chips, and puddings. And they lead normal lives. It's not fair. So then I stop at the shop, and demonstrate zero willpower and a complete lack of self control. But because of the aforementioned guilt, I can't go to the bakers and get a cake and enjoy it at home with a cuppa tea. I resort to a box of 4 muffins from the supermarket, which I end up trying to hide in a basket full of other stuff that I don't actually need, all because I don't want people seeing the fat girl buying just cake. Then, I go home, have a muffin in my room, and feel like a troll. Decide tomorrow is going to be a new day. What should I do with the remaining 3 muffins? well if I keep them for tomorrow, then that's ruined my diet before I start. So I'll eat them now....

I'm eating things that I don't like, too. Just because they are on special offer, and therefore cheap. I had two weeks off plan completely, at the beginning of February, and in this two weeks, I managed to fill a black sack with sweetie wrappers, and cake papers, and crisp packets. I don't even LIKE things like that, I am not bothered much about biscuits, so why was I eating all this? It makes no sense.

I have a doctors appointment in 10 minutes. Time to be honest I think. To be brutally truthful, I am shitting bricks, I am that scared.

I am aware that a quick fix here is not the solution. I need a long term, mental rebalancing to get myself back on track. To be normal again. To not be terrified of failing and terrified of food.