Friday thoughts

No particular plans for the weekend, I'm starting on a rant because I need to vent some steam...
I have spent the last 6 days eating rubbishly. Done nothing but eat eat eat and I can honestly say, I am disgusted with myself. I managed SO well for 5 weeks, then just bang, lets eat junk. I have no idea what happened, something just clicked and I stopped caring. Each day I have had good intentions and by lunchtime I just want to eat non-stop. So I thought I would have one day off, which turned into two days. Then it was my leaving do which was another excuse. Then another day, bang. Weigh in a week later shows a gain of 3lbs. I'm in a stupid cycle of trying to have smaller portions of things, so I buy packs of "treat size" treats instead of normal things. Then I have one. Don't feel satisfied. Have a second. Feel bad for eating more than I planned. So I decide tomorrow I'll start afresh, not eat "junk" so I need to get rid of what I have left, and the easiest way to do that in my head is to eat it, so I've been eating about 20pp a day more than I should be on junky "treat" food to a point where I don't even like it. Then the next day, I think I'm being stupid, I should be able to eat in moderation and should stop being such a damn failure, and buy the bloody same stuff again. I have, however, pointed everything. I just didn't stop when I got passed my allowance.

I just had to stop World War X breaking out between my parents, for the 5th night in a row, and I'm pig sick of the arguments so I am packing a bag for a few days and heading to my boys house.
You have no idea how much I wish I had my own space. Here, I literally live in my room, which is 10ft by 7ft, so not exactly the biggest space, and share the kitchen, and at Biker's, well it's just a one bedroomed place, there isn't space for me even if he wanted me there properly. In the heat of an argument my parents were having earlier in the week, Dad said "and how long is she planning on staying here anyway"... I'm pretty sure that was about me, I don't GET in anyones way, I stay well out of their way more often than not... The cheapest lease I can get on a flat would leave me with £350 a month and that is before bills and car expenses, I just can not afford it, it isn't possible. Not to mention that contractors have no job security, so what landlord would lease a flat to an admin contractor anyway. And I am sorry, for gods sake there is nothing more I want than to be able to grow up and move out but until someone gives me a salaried job earning a heck of a lot more than I am on now, then house and babies are just never gonna happen.

And then I get my brother on damn facebook cos he won't even waste 10p to text me, saying that I have to "spend more time" with my parents, and take them out more... They bloody hate each other, barely speak except for arguing, and after 2 years, 3 years of "Do you want to go out for tea at the weekend?" or "There's X Y and Z on in Aberdeen, do you want to go?" and getting a blunt "No" off each of them.. I f***ing give up trying to do stuff. Actually while I'm on about people doing stuff, I can't believe that I started a new damn job, after everyone, everyone knowing how much I wanted out of my old one, and not one person of my proper friends, family, or boyfriend have even mentioned us going out to celebrate! I said last weekend to Mum Dad and Biker that I wanted to go out to celebrate, and could everyone keep the 25th free please. And didn't even get a "that's nice of you" or anything when I said the reason was that I wanted to take my close people out with my first new wage... Not that I was doing it for the gratitude, but for f***s sake... I don't actually swear/curse that much, but it's all I want to do at the moment..

Work is ok, it's getting busier the more I learn more things, and my manager's nice, the whole team is nice. They all like their "healthy eating", their spray tans, massages, etc etc etc, and seem to be gym bunnies, so I need to turn a bit girly and get a bit better at this healthy lifestyle thing. I ate 4 curly wurlies today, that's not good. When I moved to Scotland, before I started my whole "re-invention of Jenny" thing, I was referred for counselling for self confidence and stuff. I phoned the doctor this morning, well the nurse, and asked if I can be referred again and she's put me straight on the waiting list, so hopefully that should help me along the way. I am not a happy bunny, it's been coming and going for a few months but I think since November, I have been pretty down and I need a kick. I'm fed up of crying, I'm fed up of not sleeping, I'm fed up of putting "that face" on. It's getting to a point where I am speaking to Biker on the phone nearly every night and whinging, and that is not fair on him, it's not fair on me, and I need to get it sorted.